It's never too late

It's 12 days before Christmas.

Haven't done any christmas shopping yet, not yet even tidy up my stuff here... Sometimes it's like I dont have time, when sometimes I do.

It's been almost 2 months since mom's stroke. My life turned around in full circle and it has been different since. I don't know how we got through those 2 weeks. Needless to say, mom's doing alright now.

It was October23, saturday. I had a planned saturday afternoon, so is mom and dad for a wedding that afternoon. They both got home just around 5:30am that morning from an emergency at my lola's warehouse.

That afternoon, when everything seemed fun, I got a call from my dad telling me to go to the hospital. At a split of second my, our whole world turned upside down.

mom

I miss the nightlife...
I miss my friends...
I miss the booze...
I miss sleeping in my bed...

But most of all...
I miss my mom's text message
asking if I'm going home for the weekend...
I miss her homecook meals, even the cookies
she almost burned the last time
I miss her loud voice even when she's talking
just a feet away...
I miss our sunday bonding watching old films...
I just simply miss her lakwatsera self...

I whispered "I love you" while snoring in her sleep...
I wish she understood it...

Get well very soon mommy...

New Life...for real

Imagine a child going down from his parents bed?

That's how I was a week ago...hahaha...I was living on top of a double deck bed. Since I'm the last girl to be admitted here I have no choice but to choose the top bed.

Yes. I moved out, just 2 weeks ago. I moved in with 3 other girls, plus 1, my niece, but not in the same room.

It was a decision made a long time ago, but only now that there was a chance to do it...or should it be it was forced already. There was not much drama in the discussion, there was just a settlement of some sort, so I dived in already, if not I'd be in the same old sad situation.

I know I didn't have to leave, but for some reason it's a must. We didn't say goodbye, we just won't see each other that often, but communication will still be there.

So now, I'm own my own.

I get to go where I want, go home anytime I want, without being too conscious that I'm being watched. I won't forget that I'm still in the vicinity so I still inform him from time to time. But I'm making my adjustments pretty ok.

damn that thing

I've been trying hard to stay away from all the insi winsi drama in my everyday...to the point that I had to make up a story...

It worked, believe me...I fooled everyone, including me, for weeks. It was a success. It gave me a bright outlook on things.

The inspiration was the greatest thing I ever thought of. But will it be the thing that would let me sink also?

I could write all kinds of poetry about it, but nothing can conceal the true emotions I have now. I won't stop what i started, maybe just tone it down a bit. Besides, I was the only player in the game I got my self into, I had no opponent anyway.

Hello?...phone

I Want A New Phone!!!! I need to have a new phone!!!!

Eversince I lost my phone, my beautiful phone, I have not looked for another one. Well not that I have not looked around but due to unavoidable stuff I wasn't able to fit it in my budget. But now that my old phone's camera gave in it's time to really think of getting a new, reliable, functional, affordable phone.

Really need it soon...For sure it could divert my attention, especially now that I'm kinda sad (I'll go through it later). I know it's kinda pathetic but eversince that was taken away i felt a bit paralyzed, well yeah that's just drama but hey that phone & I went through a lot and have been to places with me...I miss you phone...We'll see each other soon...in another lifetime maybe....but for now I reall have to have a new one.....

....you thought I'm done.....

I found sanctuary in my temp office, lesser electricity, more productivity. But there's one more thing why I chose to stay there most of the time.

Remember I said I was dealing with my own stuff? Well I'm not alone on that. I guess the lesson learned here is that "I really don't a problem at all!!!"

I learned to be more patient with myself, and if there's a problem I deal it with a more clear head. I stay out as much as I can coz sometimes I can't stand the energy revolving around. I was told numerous time that all I need to do is this or that, but sometimes the people who give you advice can't use it themselves.

I have been stressed in dealing with my workers lately (at least just one worker), then I go home and try making good conversation, only to end up listening to tons of rant (much worse than mine). I understand that the situation that person is in is very hard, even I would feel the same way. But ranting even the littlest thing on tv, or a personality or the size of the food sold at fast food makes her irritate....that's a different story. I would always hear heavy breaths numerous times, or her banging toilet seat, etc. Every where she looks she looks at it in a bad mood.

Maybe I should just listen and just be a friend, and not contribute or ask question that might irritate her or remind past situations?... Okay maybe I'll just do that.

.....and there's more!!!

(Thanks to the owner of this)

I had to do something about my happiness....

Yes, it was like a crisis, not knowing how to feel happiness and let it stay there. I did device a good scheme though, only the scheme is turning into a more beautiful thing.

I am making a dream, a-make-believe, but it's not a dream, it's real. The more I interact the more simple things become meaningful. It came to life, on my part, at least. Sometimes it seems like an obsession, I always look forward to my everyday, making it my fuel in case my day doesn't turn out the way I hoped.

The simplest, the corniest ways are so important to me, even when they seemed I only pretend I don't care. But I do.

The corniest moments are just a cover-up for me, but means so much after. I got noticed with my little actions, may it be conscious or not, I get commended. (smile...sigh)

If only I can understand this...if this is acceptable...now I don't care. No one knows this(except 3 friends)...but when it comes to the real deal I told no one.

Never thought a simple smile would turn my day nice.

That's why I never stop smiling now...ever since I was let go.

It's my fuel that got me going through my days, and always looking forward to the next day.

Until where this will lead? No one knows...I will sure make a mark, and I'll make sure it will be a nice mark.

August Na!!!

Yes....and next week it will be half of the month already.

It's been such a bumpy ride, this past 2 quarters and I will never forget them, and will learn from them, but now my focus is my life!!!

After my unfortunate incident my life really turned around. A lot have changed and I don't get to often see my friend, most calls for important stuff, but no more of our usual-casual talks. I did went out with him and our other friend 2 fridays ago (I think) and that was it.

I was advised to look for another work and leave this part-time I have. I am considering it, I couldn't leave it yet though, reasons: health card and other benefits...Hopefully I will get a job with the same benefits, and more.

I'm almost done with the renovation in the building, still had it's minor problems that can be solved, but I was so stressed with time I have. One of the workers got sick so the work took a bit more time. I had to go back and forth for some materials that's needed, even tried saving up my budget only I spent more (just a bit, until I get computations fixed). I still haven't found the perfect workers yet, though this one working now (the one who got sick) is ok, you just have to watch and guide him.

So my plan was put on hold for the meantime, but by next week I can start again. I don't want him to think I'm not taking everything seriously since he don't make "pakialam" my life now, still I'm living under their roof.

And lately I haven't been using the office, I'm staying at the admin's office most of the time, which actually is more convenient for working, there's an extra table here beside the window (meaning I'm using the office now), ventilation is good, I can concentrate even if the radio is on. I can get used to this....

Rainy July...and then some

I've been hit, I've been shouted at, I almost got killed...but none ever got into my head...It's like it was all an out-of-body-experience.

I've been called hurtful words, that were true, it made me more weak instead of strong, when I knew it was just for me to prove that I'm not.

I am doing things the wrong way. I'm doing it the way they want me to do it. Sometimes I do it, just cause I was told to, not because I wanted to do it.

I want to do it, make the same results but in my own way.

Not to be an ingrate, but I want to make it work as much as people want it to work. I wanted to be reminded of what I did, though I wish it wasn't as often as I'm reminded of it, coz it's not helping at all.

I always start from square one. Now I want to start clean, totally from scratch. This is not helping at all.

Wish I'd be understood.

Afloat.....again

I'm at a lost now.

By this time my transition should have been improved since that unfateful day.

It's seems I still fell short. By now I should have learned to uplift myself, pick myself up when I fall, but it seems that that was not was happening still.

I need to keep my spirits up again. No matter what. I made a mistake, again, but I cannot give up again.

Early today I had another episode, this time a nightmare. I cannot breathe, no voice is coming out of my mouth, and I was paralyzed. I grabbed hold of my medallion prayed as much as I can.

Could it be another sign from the Almighty, reminding me again that I have been given so many chances, and even lives, to correct my ways. Or maybe the next time it happens GOD will be not as forgiving as he was before.....

Feeling on my own

I just had a discussion with a friend.

It started as like a fun conversation, but then I blurted out about what happened yesterday the mood changed and he ended up putting the phone down.

Now, I'm blaming myself that I even got myself into the mess I was the other day. I thought sympathy will be given to me, only it lasted a day...not even 1 whole day. It's like I'm alone now. I know people sent their messages and all but somehow I feel alone.

I wanted people to comfort me but that's not what their getting from me, instead they're getting a stiff, strong person who can take care of herself.

What do I have to do?.GOD did what He can to protect me. Now, I'm left to deal with my trauma, and the fact that I'm in denial that I'm scared.

It's all about ... My Life

They say when the moment comes that your life will be taken away, whether natural death or accident, your life flashes before your eyes.

Mine did not.

I was busy thinking how I can fight back, the people I'll leave behind, that I'd be late for work, or the most shallow one is my face getting scarred. Most of all, I fear for my life.

I did. I got scared. It was the most surreal moment of my life and I wasn't able to defend myself. I wanted to scream on top of my lungs for help, but no one was there to help.

I was still lucky, my guardian angels were still guiding me, and GOD protected me.

I thought being mugged only happens on tv, or if in real life, would be in places where it's dark. Our area had its share of incidents...but never had I imagined that I would also be a victim on a harmless morning off to work.

I was still lucky I only had couple of bruises from the momentary struggle and hit on the back, worse that could happen is if tried saving my stuff and getting hit on the head, shot-dead, or being taken in the get-away van, get raped & killed.

Until now it hasn't sunked in fully, maybe I'm looking for the reaction other people felt when they were victimized, the shaken-traumatized feeling.

I am not liked that. I can still joke, I'm functioning normal...but the incident is still in my head very clear. I'm in my "iyak-tawa" mode.

People close to me were all supportive and glad nothing worse happened.

I know I'll get through this. Life must still go on, normally.

My life is not yet over.

I have to be well.

I have a lot to do first to make myself better.

Thank you GOD...for always protecting me and always sending your angels for me.

Thank you Mother of Perpetual Help, Our Lady of Guadalupe, St. Benedict and St. Michael...

Tomorrow is a New Day

Time sure flies...

In a few more minutes it's the start of the new month. Another month to look forward to more productive weeks, and hopefully the fulfillment of our project.

If I'm going to rate myself if I have fulfilled my changes?...I'd say I've started it already, making progress everyday, still a long way but with a good head start.

Now that finally I have a good internet connection I can document more often my thoughts. I know when I first started this I have entered basically the same stuff...boring...

What I like about right now? I can sleep well coz I don't have to wake up early tomorrow, thanks Memorial Day!!!

for your eyes only

i know you wil read this somehow...so this one's for you....

yes, i've been slacking my day for my blog. it's like my progress has put to a stop...as with my own life.

too many promises were made, but none was put into action.

i wish this time, i'd be more aware of it...be happy and enthusiastic with my life.

Tsk Tsk.....

A very bad Girl....For the whole April I have not even a single time entered any account.....

Tsk...Tsk...

My life passing by....again

I've been up. I've been down....I've been all around.

Seems I've been living a very toxic life. Well not exactly.

How do you stop drama? - (you think of happy things!)
How do you think of happy things? - (you think of all your experiences)

There is no problem, at all. But then why I still feel stressed????


Yesterday I went out with a friend I haven't seen for a long time. I was skeptic of the bonding time we'll have. But it was all worth it! I was glad I did went out with her, despite the noise of the nearby construction and the dust flying all around, it was worth it.

I know I needed a jumpstart and it was not the expected way I was hoping. I listened to all that has happened to her since we last saw each other until yesterday. She was full of life and passion, things I lack or better yet I don't practice or show. I felt inspired yet I felt so tiny compared to all her stories. What had happened to me since then? I was working at my part-time job....that was it. I didn't make any progress if I'm going to sum that all up.

She told me to believe in myelf, that I can do it, that I can change things for the better. Honestly right now that's what I'm holding on to. That she still believes me that I can. All her stories are enough to fuel me...and that's what I will do.

I told her that I will beleive in myself and I'll stick to it, that if someone challenges me that I'm not making progress I will not be broken...I will not....I must not.!!!!!

The thing is that all she said were the same things the other said, only in a different way, and that she was not there everyday with me so everything is magnified.

I will not be broken this time. If he is not contented with my ways I'll try harder to to please him until I get it right. And things will be better. I know all these are for my own good...then for the good I will remember all that I can, all mother shared with me.

I will start to make goals. Like this netbook. I will little by little save up to pay for this...and the DS lite. Not because of 'utang-na-loob' but because I wanted to finally say that this is mine, and I worked for it.

cycle

You know what the funny part is? I just SLACK.

I don't have a problem at all really!....No I need to really mean that or my next step will just get me to where I was.

I WANT THE LIFE BACK IN MY HEART.
I should be inspired by works of other people and live by their example, and not just become a mere observant.

I WANT THE FIRE IN MY EYES BURN BRIGHTLY.
It's been a long time since I genuinely possessed this. I don't remember my eyes shone with excitement, like a child during chistmas giving. I WANT THAT BACK!

I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE AGAIN AND FEEL IT RUN THROUGH ME.
I want to be able to sustain the passion in me, the desire to want what I want.

I will make this happen no matter what. Why am I in battle when there is no war? This all just a hoax..and I made it all up in my head.

????

I have been asking the wrong questions.

Just figured that out after (counting my fingers) how many years.

I figured it already...WHAT WAS I NOT DOING?

I've been given so many advises on improvement and it would slip away after a few days...
I'm going to make a list of things I haven't been doing....and maybe I can turn around the positive thought of my mistakes.

One thing's for sure....happy thoughts should stay in my head and my heart. I'm really having trouble sharing happy emotions that's why it doesn't stick to me well.

I was not enjoying life.
I was not sharing wonderful emotions.
I was not being an inspiration to myself, my work and others.....

Just a few things I'll be working on.

No more temporary stuff. No more I'm tired.
No more unnecessary excuses.

My Birthday

I'm done.

The day's ended for the year I always look forward to...at least one the important days I look forward to...my birthday.

I had a lot of greetings ever in my entire birthday....

Come to think of it...what had happened to the rest of my life?

I'm still trying to figure it out...and honestly a lot!!!!! A lot had happened and I missed while it was the moments.

There's no way to bring everything back...but there's still time to make things right on the other half of my life.

I'm just thankful that there are still a lot who never gave up, when I did.

Never too old to learn

My week was weird and exciting. I have proved something that I know I have, and that's I still have it. When it comes to flirting I can do it but to play it well that's when I stink. I was able to fulfill one of my fantasies...guys approach me/us at public place without my guy friends (check). But that's not all there is to it. Hanging with my girlfriend was an experience, we both have different beliefs when it comes to having fun and with dealing with personal life, and by that I mean love life. We both have issues and no matter how we teach each other how to do it we'd be too stubborn to do it. I had to ask a friend to intervene (a bit) and what he said were true. I just got scared for her that I just had to tell to stop it. She was just so unsure of her emotions, why guys look and treat her that way.

My dearfriend taught me how I can express myself when I’m sad, disappointed….just talk and let it out. How I did it? I just need to remember how I did it yesterday

On Love, Lust & Liquor

Yes. It's like this is going to be a series for this month.

Since the start of the weekend my days have been filled with love, lust and liquor.

Friday:
I went out by myself to look for a place to drink. I was not sad or anything, I just wanted to try to be alone, with beer in my hand. I was contented and just a a couple of bottles, then my friend picked me up to continue this booze-filled night. It was more enjoyable being with my guy friends, though.

Saturday:
It was girls night out this time. First time for me and my girlfriend to get out of our comfort zone (that's with our guy friends) and try something different. I met her after she attended this event, at the same place. Crowd started to pour in and the music was getting to a good high. Then a group of guys near our table was beginning to be friendly. Hey it's a bar, what do you expect? Friendly and intoxicated people (not something you have to be rely on). hehehe....And so the evening became fun, a bit wild but nothing offensive. They invited us to their VIP section, offered drinks and dance the night away. After that, they were nice enough to bring us home, in separate cars.

Sunday:
After that night out, we went home just to take a bath and headed to work. I was so wasted, sleepy, tired and my voice was giving me a hard time. Good thing I still made it, somehow. But my day didn't end yet. I was to attend a 'binyag' just out of town. Oh my I was just soooo irritated that afternoon. I took a nap and headed to the terminal. My dearest friend was not answering my call and I was about to quit and just head home, but then after a few more tries she answered and went my way to her far far home.

The travel was fine, I took a nap during the whole bus ride, which was kinda fun, but reaching to her house was unbelievable! it was not what I expected at all. But I guess that's how it is when a person gets married and have kids, all luxury and convenience in life suddenly stops, and just be happy for them.

I stayed there for just a short time only, coz my dearest friends were going to pick me up....That was the sweetest thing ever!!! I mean I can go home safely, and just meet them after if we're going out, but they were nice enough to pick me up (love those guys)...What's more exciting we were on our way to Tagaytay (woohooo). It was sooooo cold and windy when we got there. I thought a dinner at one of the restos there was our agenda but we had more exciting plans-hehehe. We headed the grocery store and bought wines....yes wines..hihihi

So the evening of cold, windy climate was soooo perfect for our evening of wine experience, together with our sausage canape's...hihihi....Oh yeah I almost forgot, it was the full moon as well, so romantic.

Monday:
It was suppose to be a rest day for me after 3-days of never-ending events. I excused myself that evening too when they were going out for a drink.

Tuesday:
I was starting to get back to work, making a few calls and getting the hang of it all, when late afternoon my dear friend called to accompany him to have something fixed. On the way we picked up our other friend. We did our thing then headed back to the office. Instead of drinking out we bought a bottle of wine and stayed in the office.

............................................

My week was weird and exciting. I have proved something that I know I have, and that's I still have it. When it comes to flirting I can do it but to play it well that's when I stink. I was able to fulfill one of my fantasies...guys approach me/us at public place without my guy friends (check). But that's not all there is to it. Hanging with my girlfriend was an experience, we both have different beliefs when it comes to having fun and with dealing with personal life, and by that I mean love life. We both have issues and no matter how we teach each other how to do it we'd be too stubborn to do it. I had to ask a friend to intervene (a bit) and what he said were true. I just got scared for her that I just had to tell to stop it. She was just so unsure of her emotions, why guys look and treat her that way.

There's still time....

In a few more days it'll be the 3rd month...No comment.

I can do better than this! I can make this next month the and next months more productive. NO MORE EXCUSES. AS IN!!!

I'll make time for everything. I'll make more productive stuff. All I need is the discipline and clear head. Small things can make something really big....and that means I have to be careful by being aware of it.....

On Life, Love & Lust

Just checked the date...Oh my it's the 22nd already!!!

Time flies when your having fun...most people would say. In my case though it's different for the past years.

It will be different this time though, yes it will be fun and I'll make sure something will be accomplished everytime.

Just a rundown of what's been happening to me lately I'm baby-sitting workers upstairs for some repair. It was a blessing in disguise since I don't have work today at my "raket" I have time to take care of this finally. All i'm praying now is that more budget would come in very soon, As in Very soon.

Love & Lust....

It's the happy-hearts day this month, falls on a chinese lunar new year as well.

It was the most anticipated day for us...but somewhere along the way things came wrong, just on that day, and now it's going to be okay.

I wasn't able to enjoy the day fully coz I had to attend a wedding

Start of the Week

Another monday passed. I was finishing up the work I left from the weekend, but it took longer than I thought, and normally it should be fast.

So my day was just limited to only 1 work...Next time again.

I'm just glad my mind is working just smoothly so far.

Bur now my eyes are really heavy...so ciao for the meantime....

i surrender

When you free yourself and free your mind with any negative thoughts, things , positive things will come your way...Really!!!!

It felt like a trance, an out-of-body experience, when it was not.

Yes, my life had just began, again, and I want to be a part of it.

I now have surrendered myself to my change, and I have seen how it worked. And it works!!!

For the past days I'm really feeling the good things by being free of any baggage. Everything seem to be in place...As it should be.

..................................................................................

I was surprised and happy to see how people react to me lately. It feels great!!!

Unexpected Treasures

My day started to look like a promising day. Woke up early, exercise and had breakfast.

I did my usual ritual in front of the pc, still trying to decide how to start my work day. I was determined that I'll be able to accomplish my planned tasks, but things turned out to be different.

My friend decided to visit the next door house to check on some things that can be worth keeping. I know we will be just there for a couple of minutes, guess we did not. The place was almost cleaned, no more stuff that we can't take anymore, but we still ended up discovering a few stuff.

What I' m most happy is the bottles of perfume hidden in one of the cabinets!! Some where old, liquid turning dark already but a few still worth using. Most of them were perfumes I've never seen yet, well only on magazines. What really nice is that I get to keep some of those that can still be used....yoohoo!!!

So now, I smell sooo good even if covered with dust....Not to mention the intense exercise I had from the running up and down the stairs and carrying back and forth of stuff.

Project?

It's been a week now when we did the rush project for this client, and no feedback yet.

Now, what's next then?

Of course, time to settle stuff for the office, my 'project' is waiting for me and now is the time to take care of it. Last night I had another conversation about my 'update', and it seems that I'm not going forward and not manifesting the progress.

Well, I came to terms with it already, finally!

I'll document my daily progress with this...that's a promise..

Now...this is IT!!!!

GamePlan...

1. Make a feasible timeframe...Goal Date
2. Gather materials, existing supplies then check what's still needed
3. List priority
4. Organize merchant categories

Now, this is your guide to start the day!!!

It's like the first time....but it's not

Just now, actually just last night was I able to get rest (we) from our weekend.

Oh no it's not because of an unending night out and booze, but from a rush job.

Got the job late afternoon of thursday and due on monday. My friend and I, with two others had the 3-day weekend working on the project. We were used to the consecuttive overnights, no sleep thingy, but boy, that was a long time ago...hahaha...maybe getting older is the reasoon why.

The viewing took longer than we expected, I mean file viewing, but each time a new layout is finished it says accomplishement, and our client liked it.

It was photo finish, literrally because my printer was not used to the continiously printing photo quality output that much, and I had to get ready to go with the presentation meeting with their client. Wow!!! Now this feels new all over again, most especially since no sleep for 2 days.

The presentation was just plain simple, and we can't get any comment yet.

(next I'll give all other details of this project)

Flashback

I had a run through of every entry I made since I started blogging. I must say I clearly took this whole thing very lightly.

When I hear other people share that they have their own blog site, they are proud of it, while me it was not all like that.

I read each entry, and honestly I got a bit tired of what I read. Why? Well I was dealing with personal issues and I made my promises, A Lot of it! It's ok to share my feelings about it, but what's tiring was reading the promises every other day or every other week. How could I have done poorly in my rebirth?!!?

I'm happy that I had those times that I realized how I can improve myself and that I see that I can still improve...and saddened on those times that when I manage to break my success.

I forget what was this is for, and now I'm reminded of it.

I don't have to contradict myself with everything.

I went to church today, lit numerous wish candles, prayed my heart out...and this afternoon I had my breakdown again. Just my luck!

Still it feels the holidays

It's Friday! and what a day it was!!!

I've been out since 7 am this morning, and I got home around 10:30 pm.

Surprisingly my being alone on a friday evening tonight was quite good, compared to all those times I spent it alone. I was happy looking at people, some bloopers of people, everyone was still in a festive mode. The air in and out of the mall was so cold, it still feel like christmas.

All in all I was just happy to be home now. I was glad I still look fresh and pretty...hahaha

A very goodnight sleep is all I need to recharge. Woohoo.

Tomorrow again.

What's in store? For 2010

It's now the second day of the new year and it feels that everything from the past year have been ended. Well, at least it felt that way.

It's a good thing though. It means everything now is a clean slate, start fresh, start anew.

Right now I have mixed emotions and they're all positive emotions.

I'm taking one-step-at-a-time. (double step if you may).

It's like things I have done the same way for the rest of my life, now I can do it differently.

The past year had been one emotional roller coaster ride for me, myself & I. And this time I will have a ride of my life together with the people I care the most.

No more room for ugly stuff, that's for sure!!!!

2010...A very Hopeful Year

And what a year it has been???

Now a it's the new day for the new year. New set of Goals, new perspective, new plans, new attitude.

Look back to see what you have done and did not do and make them happen.

It's never too late. Always believe that anything is POSSIBLE.

Welcome 2010!!!

A Very Happy New Year!!!
This is such a hopeful year for me (and for everyone)
May this be the start of something better for All...