Ooops.... I did it again!

I'm aware of what's happening with me and yet I'm not understanding and doing everything to relieve me of the old me.

I know it's easy. All I must do is be aware if I'm repeating or becoming my old self and shake it off. Acknowledge my mistake and ask for help or think of a solution.

Have I really learned anything? Yes and No.

I only have two choices: Either go back to the horrible me or the new me. I've done it before, why can't it be easy now to be my new self?

Just a few days ago I was thinking and realizing that if I really am changing for the good, no better person to show and share it to is to the one helping me, and not just the people who don't know me.

Now, I'm back to square one , to prove myself that I can change. Disappointments and being quiet and being hard-headed are not the things I need.

Yet, why does it keep coming back?

I don't need to entertain it anymore.

I must be consistent with my progress, if I'm really progressing. I just have to practice the art of patience with myself, and learn how to comfort others when I make mistakes.

Even if I say I understand or I'm learning that's not valid unless I make myself and the people around me happy.

These are just words and I must consistently practice it if I'm really serious about it. And I am, but it seems I'm not.

Why do I always get myself into this situation? Who am I really trying to satisfy, me or others?

When I'm thinking clearly and becoming my new me things are better, even the difficult situations seems easy. People like me and thinks I'm cool and confident.

And now why? I'm light-headed now, but I can't complain about it. I have irritated another person and I did not make things better and made it worse.

I'm ranting and it's not doing any good. Why don't I just start over, even it means going back to step 1?!!! I have wasted a whole-days' work because of my nonsense. I should have defended myself in my new manner then I don't have to be feeling disappointed again.

What am I really doing now? I was told to document what I really learned, have I manifested it?
It seems not, with the way I wrote it seems the old me is thinking. But then I know I learned!! I just have to start doing what I learned or else it will just go down the drain. I have to always have to pick myself up when I fall flat on my face and not get emotional about my humiliation, and not dwell on it.

Is this what I would like all the time? The headaches, the stress, the facial strain everytime? I'm scared to think that one day all of it would be gone, and that no one will there to rescue me from myself, or I won''t be able to do the things that I'm able to do now. This blog was intended to teach me to think clearly and to organize my thoughts, and most importantly to think o ways to be happy...Is it working somehow? Maybe not all the time. No more excuses, I have used up all possible reasons to defend myself, well they were not good excuses anyway, so try harder to work on it, please?!?

I should be enjoying my fruits now for a job well not, and not getting headaches because of the reminder that I'm doing things the old way. Yes , it's humiliating, and I'm so humiliated with how I think or do things, but no chance to be sorry for myself now. People are running out of patience to extend their help.

I just remembered yesterday I saw this show 'How do I look'. The fashion victim was helped by her frient to re-invent her looks by updating her clothing. When it was presentation time the 'victim' hated the new look. The host tried to squeeze any comment from her for the helpful friend but got nothing out of the victim. The other stylists were furious and told the victim that the least thing she could have said was 'thank you for taking the time out for this, I may not like the look but I appreciate the time and concern you gave'. . . I was disappointed with how the victim acted towards the friend. . . Now thinking about it, I was her 'the victim'', for acting stupid and being ungrateful for the gesture.

I know it's easy, but I have to try a lot harder. I'm tired of always getting into this everytime.